Chapters 1 - 16 of my book.
1. The First Love
2. The Best Friend
3. The Prom Date
4. The Mistake
5. The Murderer
6. The Teacher
7. The Nice Guy
8. The Dad
9. The Stalker
10. The Engineer
11. The Mask
12. The Minister
13. Slow Stepper
14. The Roommate
15. The Shanker
16. Short Stack
Sitting uncomfortably outside the restaurant, I watched as you solemnly walked out and stared at me in the car. Our eyes met and in an instant we told each other everything. Unable to bear the sight of love in your eyes, I diverted my attention to an imaginary text message as you slowly approached. You stood holding the handle of my door for what seemed like forever, almost as if you knew opening it would close another. You slid in and closed it timidly. Staring at your face, I grasped for a hint of love – something to make my heart flicker the way it used to. Instead, all I saw were moments from the previous days.
Hearing the rain pour outside, I watched as your eyes began to emulate nature. Your touch on my arm left me cold – an ice filled my veins and caused me to choke.
“This is such bullshit. You say you care. You say you want this. I just spent an entire night at another mans house. You didn’t even bat an eye!”
“Tell me what I’m supposed to say Jessica? Obviously I’m pissed but where do I draw the line? What’s the difference between being a jealous boyfriend and being Will?”
That was the first time you’d ever raised your voice to me. It was also beginning to look like the last.
“This isn’t why we’re here. Let’s be honest. We’d be here even if last night hadn’t happened” I whispered.
“Just one more chance Jess. Please. Find me in your heart again.”
But there we were. As we drove in silence to your house, tension filled the air. Already beginning to cry, we clung to each other’s hands. Your fingers interlocked so comfortably with mine and for a moment I was lost in the familiarity of your touch, your smell, your look. But none of that seemed to matter anymore.
“Do you understand Brandon? You’ve never been anything but perfect to me and I’m still unhappy. It’s not you…it’s us.”
“I understand Jess. I just want you to be happy. If this is what you need, then this is what we’ll do.”
With that, we both broke down. Sobbing in a way I didn’t know possible, I hugged you for one last time. Burrowing my head in your welcoming nook, I prayed I’d never forget the way I once felt there. Prayed you know how much I had loved you.
I pulled away and smiled meekly at you through my tears. Pushing my hair out of my face, I allowed you to lean in one last time. Feeling your fingers on my neck, I rested my forehead on yours.
“I love you Jess.”
“I love you too.”
You quickly walked away from my car and never looked back. On the drive home, I cried for one last time. It took all of those ten minutes to realize I was crying for you, not because of you. I’d never wanted to hurt you. You deserved better than that.
Getting out of my car I looked around at my new life. Everything was the same, yet so different. I slammed the door shut and left our memory locked inside.
For someone who doesn’t like to go out and drink, I sure do run into you downtown a lot.
4 times in less than a month now. I think we’ve gotten past the awkwardness. Past the hurt. Past the anger. You were probably never angry with me…just me with you.
2 weeks ago you wanted to “see the dog.” While I never really believed it, I’m not sure I ever really thought you wanted me back either. In the back of my head, I thought it would be nice for you to come crawling back but I also knew I wouldn’t be able to let me head talk as opposed to my heart. So instead I took it for what it turned out to be – us getting over ourselves.
I enjoyed your company that day. We’ve never had a problem talking and I do genuinely care about your life…your mom…your job…you. And while I didn’t look at you and think “Why the hell was I with you?,” I didn’t look at you and think “How the hell did I lose you?” either. I was content to just be. Not hearing from you after was mildly annoying…but I think that was because everyone was telling me you had ulterior motives, and I don’t like having my walls up.
A few nights ago I ran into you downtown…for the 4th time this month. You were with two girls. Last night, Johnny told me that you’re with one of them. I’m not surprised. I knew you’d be on the prowl not long after our demise. I’m not sad, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mad. Mad that you’re with someone before me. Mad that you can be skipping along Orange so happy. Mad that I’m so easily replaceable.
But then I also feel bad…not for you, but for her. Will you do the same thing to her as you did to me? Act like she’s perfect and wonderful and everything you want right before you find one flaw that sends you running? You clearly have no idea what you want from someone…and you have no business being serious with someone until you do. You go for 0 to 100 in a matter of weeks and vice versa. Then again, maybe she’ll be more on edge than me…see the warning signs. Not sure why I care about her…maybe because we’re both girls and I know how horrible you can make someone feel.
I ran into you that night on my way to meet someone new. Not sure where it’s going or if it will go anywhere. I guess that’s the standard in the beginning. I’m trying to keep it on the DL for a change. Not make a big deal about it at work…especially since we work together.
The more I talk to him, the more I can see myself being interested. Closer to my own age, he still likes to go out and have fun on Friday and Saturday nights…but something about him seems grounded. He speaks about being Blue Collar and rooting for people that put in a hard days work. He’s also talked about losing family and how he wants certain things in his life by a certain age.
I’m trying not to worry about anything…it’s not working too well so far. But I keep reminding myself that if God seems slow to respond, it’s because He is preparing a greater gift.
SO I’m applying to be on Tough Love on VH1. Haha, I know. Freaking Hatch! Anyway, here is my application so far. Let me know what you think and if you have any input on why I’m bascailly a dating retard.
Why do you think you’re single?
My reasoning for being single is three fold:
1. I only date guys who have something wrong with them. It seems like the only guys who are interested in me have some sort of trouble. To give you a quick run down:
One guy was my high school teacher (yes, I was in high school at the time).
One guy had sleep apnea and slept with an oxygen mask.
One guy asked me out for the same day he was getting braces.
One guy had turrets.
One guy had 2 children.
One guy had killed his mom.
Some of these guys I dated with no reservations while others I ran from. But at the end of the day, it’s still the weird ones that are coming after me.
2. I have no idea how to “date.” I’ve been in relationships since I was 16 and met them all in school. I’ve never had to put myself out there and step out of my comfort zone to meet guys. It’s always been in the comfort of a classroom or club. The first guy I dated outside of college (and coincidently my most recent relationship) was my first experience with a first date, wondering if he’ll call, “dating” for longer than a month, etc. I had my roommate and her boyfriend talking me though the entire experience. They told me how to flirt, how to get him to ask me out, what to wear on dates…quite literally held my hand through the entire experience. Did I mention I’m 24? Sometimes feels like I’m 14…
3. While I’m not a virgin, I don’t have sex with guys I date. I’ve only been down that road once and it was after 2 years of being together. It was a horrible experience and has tainted me from reliving it until marriage or at least true love. While most guys seem accepting and understanding at first (the good ones at least), most of them run out the door after awhile. It’s hard being Christian in today’s sex society.
Why would your friends say you’re single?
Tell us about your past relationships and why did they end?
Over the past 7 years, I’ve had 5 real relationships and 7 situations with men. I’ve ended all but 2 of them – the first, and the last.
The first two relationships ended for the same reasons every high school relationship ends – we were kids. My 3rd relationship, with Will, ended for various reasons that would shape all my future affairs.
Will and I dated for 2 ½ years. For most of the relationship, I was talked down to, ridiculed, and just treated poorly. We did long distance for almost 2 years and he had major trust issues with me. If I hung out with a guy one on one, had guys at my apartment, or didn’t answer the phone the second he called, I was yelled at, called a C**T, and often dumped. At 18, 19 and 20, I related our ups and down to passion. Stupid Hatch. About a year and a half into it, a good friend from high school accused him of trying to cheat on me with her. I in turn responded by accepting a promise ring from him. In the end, we broke up because I was tired of being yelled at. I wanted to live my life and meet new people. And I did. Enter Brandon.
Brandon came into my life about a month after Will and I broke up. We became friends and two months later began dating. Brandon was the first religious boy I’d ever dated and I was the first girl he’d dated since being saved. As a result, there were a lot of questions as to what was appropriate in our relationship. In 3 years, we did more than kiss once. Somewhere around year 2, that started to trickle off as well. I told him I was feeling undesired. He tried to man up and be passionate with me but in the end, he didn’t feel comfortable. In the meantime, I was getting more and more attention from men at work – they were making me feel better about myself than my boyfriend. We broke up because I started to look at him like a brother.
After Brandon was a succession of short lived men. None of which made it to relationship status. Then came Stephen. Seven years my elder, he was the first guy to pursue me randomly. We weren’t friends before. We didn’t work together. We’d only met two times before he asked for my number. He was the first guy to wine and dine me. He would eventually be the first guy to dump me since middle school.
Stephen and I moved very quickly and instead of reading the warning signs, I fell for everything. Within a month he was telling me very personal family stories and writing me love songs. He drove to my hometown on Christmas night to be with me after barely two months. At three months he was taking me to his hometown to meet his entire family (something he’d only done with one other girl – one he wanted to marry). Then suddenly, at four months, he dumped me. Not really sure why. He said it was because of my trust issues. I think it’s because I ignored what was staring me in the face.
What are your bad dating habits?
What is the worst part of being single?
How can we help you?
What type of men do you usually date?
As bad as it sounds, I typically date guys who aren’t quite up to my standard. Growing up, I was never the cute one or the girl that guys fought over so I developed a slightly low self esteem when it came to boys. In high school I started dating a guy purely for his personality and found myself enjoying the feeling of “why is SHE with HIM?” As a result, I fall for guys who give me that same sense of esteem.
Today is the day…and I’m terrified. I don’t know what to expect from our run in. Not sure you can call it a run in since I *know* its going to happen. Will we speak? Or will we just have stolen glances from across the room? Or worst of all, will you ignore me completely?
The little contact we’ve had this week has seemed strange and purposeful. But it could just be a coincidence. Part of me is scared that I’ll see you tonight and you’ll want me back. The other part of me is scared that you won’t. I still want that vindication…that feeling of you wanting me again. But then what? We would still have the same problems, the same issues. Nothing would have changed.
Basically one of two things will probably come from this evening.
This evening can surely be summed up in one word: torture.
Do you ever feel like the universe is out to get you? Like you’re just some pawn in someone’s hilarious joke? Not God’s joke…God doesn’t strike me as the ironic type. Maybe it’s just Mother Nature getting bored with women problems. I can’t imagine that would be the best job to have. Whoever or whatever it is, there are times when I just feel that someone up there is looking down and laughing…or at least waiting to see what I’ll do.
What Will Hatch Do part 1: After two blissful months of not talking to or seeing the ex, I ran smack dab into him on Saturday night. It was always going to be awkward. What else could it be? What made this ironic however, are the happenings and convo’s leading up to the run in.
Earlier in the week my good friend Christine, who just got out of a 5 year relationship, got an email from her ex about 2 seconds after she picked up the phone to call him. They hadn’t talked in a month and needed to work out some furniture issues. Apparently they were both thinking of each other at the same time.
That Friday night, my roommate and I purposely skipped a concert so that we wouldn’t run into her ex-boyfriend. Then, sitting at the ClubHouse watching The Magic Game, we both almost fell out of our chairs when he walked in.
While telling Christine of the Kari/Wes run in of 2009, I praised my lucky stars that I hadn’t run into Stephen yet.
“Although I feel like karma is coming around the circle. First you, then Kari…it just feels like my time!”
3 hours later I would quite literally run into him at the bottom of the stairs in Lodge.
WWHD part 2: I woke up last night to a text message from Johnny.
“Stephen is coming to Mikey’s show btw”
He doesn’t come to any of the shows. Ever. Why now? I told Johnny I’d run into Stephen downtown and felt uncomfortable. I’m not making any promises…especially if I’d be going alone.
Johnny clearly thinks it’s weird that I ran into Stephen on Saturday. He decided to go to the concert on Sunday. Johnny tells me to go and show that I’m over it! Decisions, decisions…
WWHD part 3: I’d just finished telling Carolina about my txt convo with Johnny when I received an email from Stephen. Very simple. A job posting that he thought Kari or my friend Derek would like. That’s nice. Strange that he’d contact me right after running into him. I haven’t seen or heard from him in almost 2 months now. Coincidence? Maybe…
Did I mention that he has both Kari and Derek’s email? Not long after we stopped talking, he and Derek had email conversations about this very topic. He’s also contacted Kari within the last month about jobs…why would he send this to me now?
I feel like there is a puppet master somewhere up there pulling Stephen’s strings. What oh what can he do now that will send Hatch’s head reeling and bring back feelings of pain and resentment? Where will he pop up next? What will he say? What will he do? Even though I’m sure nothing will come out of this and it’s all terribly coincidental, I’m also sure someone is getting a real kick out of the shit show that is my life.
It’s back. That sick feeling. That feeling in the pit of my stomach. I thought it was gone. I thought this was over. But its not. And all because I had to stare at you for 2.5 seconds.
You looked good, but not that good. In a blue polo and a backwards cap, you clearly hadn’t put that much thought into your appearance. You’ve lost weight which makes you look more like you did when I met you. Holding a beer, you held your gaze on my roommate while I tried hard to focus though my own beer (or the like) goggles.
As I saw you turn your attention to me, I smiled and said “Hey!” I was probably trying too hard to seem okay with the situation. I can’t even remember if you smiled – I just remember you looking at me long enough to say “sup?” and then return your eyes to my roommate.
As I shuffled past, I glanced at the blonde you were with. She was pretty. But then again, I know you don’t like blondes, so you probably weren’t “with” her. That said, it still eats at me.
I hoped I wouldn’t see you unless I was prepared. I hoped I wouldn’t see you with another girl. I hoped I wouldn’t see you unless I looked my best. I hoped I wouldn’t see you until I was happy with someone else. So much for hope.
I thought when if I saw you again I’d be okay. I’d be able to smile and really mean it. I’d be able to talk to you and hold my ground. I’d be able to say I was over it.
Now, instead, I’m hoping I never have to see you again and that I’m able to forget you ever existed.
Its funny how sometimes someone else has to help you realize how lucky you are or how wonderful your life is. While I’ve always been a very happy and upbeat person, the past few months, I’ve found myself struggling trying to figure out what is wrong with me instead of what is right with me. Being dumped for the first time (at least in a long time) really took its toll on my self esteem, my sense of security and my understanding of who and what I am. I’ve gotten so caught up in what I need to change or what I could do differently, that I’ve taken for granted all the little miracles happening around me. Today, a random conversation with an old friend brought me back to reality.
Chris: I can’t believe it’s been so long! I try to keep up with you on facebook. You look so different! You look great!
Me: Thanks Chris! It has been a long time! I’ve been well…same old, same old.
Chris: Oh come on Hatch! Really, has anything changed since I last saw you?
Me: Well, yeah! I have a new job…more responsibilities, a little more pay…learning a LOT.
Chris: You still like Golf Channel?
Me: LOVE it! The people are awesome, the work is fun. No complaints at all!
Chris: Awesome! What else?
Me: Well, I’m getting a puppy tonight.
Chris: NO WAY!
Me: Yep! I’m really excited! And this Saturday, two of my girlfriends are moving in next door so I’m looking forward to having them around. Next week is my birthday and then my parents will be in town…lots going on.
Chris: And you still like Orlando?
Me: I do! I know I thought I really wanted to get out but I love my place, my job, my friends. Everything is…great!
Chris: So you’re just doing great then, huh?
Me: Better than ever.
That’s when I realized it. My life isn’t same old, same old. It’s amazing. Truly better than ever. I’m getting to know myself alone and although it hasn’t been very long, it’s nice to know that I can get by just being me and not being a couple. And it’s nice to know that even when I’m not watching or looking…God is still watching, looking and blessing me everyday.
This is actually posted on the wall in Jimmy John’s at UCF. Brillance.
As I sit in my bed watching TV, my phone rings. Glancing at Adam Scott, I scowl, not recognizing the number that’s flashing back at me. For some reason, not knowing has always made it more likely that I’ll answer. You’d think that after all this time I would have learned my lesson.
I hear you answer my ‘hello?’ and my heart goes into panic mode after abruptly stopping. You tell me you’re downstairs and want to talk. After questioning your every motive, I realize you’re not giving up.
When you walk in, I am still sitting on my bed. You smile weakly and say it’s good to see me again. You sit down next to me, not saying anything for what seems like forever.
Finally, you speak.
You speak about the last few months and how horrible they’ve been. You speak about first dates and how you compare all of them to ours. About the mistake you made.
I tell you nothing has changed. I still don’t trust you. I still won’t sleep with you.
You’d rather work it out with me than sleep with someone else.
The more I stare at you, the more I want to give in. I want to hug you, to kiss you, to hold you. You smile at me the way you used to. Pushing my hair aside, your eyes lovingly examine my face. You say you still can’t believe how beautiful I am.
Our conversation is cut short by my mother. She reminds me of everything I have to do today. I can’t sit with you anymore. You lie back on my bed and happily say you’ll wait for me. You’ll be there till I get back – regardless of when that may be.
Hours later, when I return, you’re gone.
I scan the apartment, shouting your name. Nothing.
I dash down the stairs and to the corner, my eyes darting down each side of the street. Still nothing.
As I walk back upstairs, I wonder what happened. Where did you go? What should I do?
Before I can answer these questions, I wake up. I’ve had this dream before. This time however, I didn’t come after you. Even though I sprinted down the stairs, I didn’t sprint down the street. I left it. I let it be. And when I woke up, I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel empty. When I woke up, I knew nothing had changed. And for the first time in awhile, that was ok.
